Although the baseline mechanics of adoption are somewhat the same: one set of parents gives up a child and another set takes that child in, the circumstances around it can vary widely. Some adoptees know who their birth parents are and keep in touch and some are like me and had no idea who they were. Whatever the circumstances, here’s the advice I’d offer to any adopted child:
1. It’s ok to wonder why you were given up, what your birth family looks like and who they are. It’s a natural part of human nature to want to understand our own personal history.
2. It’s also ok for you to be so content with your current life that you feel no need to search for your birthparents. I’ve spoken to other adoptees on both ends of the spectrum of either needing to know more than they needed to breathe air or simply being ok with not knowing. It’s personal. Your decision has to be right for you.
3. If you do search, be prepared for any outcome. If it was an anonymous adoption your mother could be a CEO or live under a bridge. No kidding. I’ve actually seen both of these play out exactly that way. If you do connect with your birth family, realize that they’ve had entire lives going on just like you have and that they may be very different in many regards. Try not to get too stuck with a specific outcome in mind. What you may get is something far greater but could also be miles away from what you envisioned. You’re going to have to be ok with that.
4. I didn’t fully understand the sacrifice my biological mother made in giving me up until I held my own daughter in my arms for the very first time. You would have had to pry her out of my cold, dead hands to get her away from me and I instantly realized the pain that is involved in any mother giving up a child. However you may feel about being adopted, understand that it is always an incredible sacrifice for a mother to trust that the universe will give you a better life without her than with her. You weren’t given up because your birth mother was having a bad hair day. You were loved enough from the start by your birth mother for her to want to give you a better life.
5. Be sensitive to your adopted parents’ feelings, too. As much as they say they would not be hurt or threatened by you finding birth parents it is likely a very brave effort to do what’s best for you and I promise that somewhere deep inside of them is a tinge of pain and worry at not being able to completely fulfill your needs. Again, it’s natural, and I’m not trying to guilt you into not searching. On the contrary, I would encourage you to talk through it with your adopted parents and lay it all on the table. As much of a stinker as my adopted dad was, I knew that he did love me and did the best he could. Knowing that I may have a better relationship with the “other dad” would have devastated him (although I do not recommend keeping those secrets, either).
